i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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