im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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