my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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