Im at strip club and am horny
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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