dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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