Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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