I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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