I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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