I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
