'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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