i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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