I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
