I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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