he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to calm my uterus...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
