she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think my moral compass just broke
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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