My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
