I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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