I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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