i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
