I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
