so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
