Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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