he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
