My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
