I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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