She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
