a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
