You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
