You're my little dorito
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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