Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Where is the hickey?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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