i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
