Your face is a jimmy john
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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