I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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