he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
