Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Randomize
