I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
