why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
