At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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