girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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