For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
