Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
