I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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