I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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