can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
