seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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