just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
