I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
