You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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