someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
