Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
