Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
